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To the good people of the United States of America. I would like to take a moment of your time, to apologize for a recent tragedy, that we, as Canadians feel partly responsible for. It has come to our attention and surprise that senator Ted Cruz is half Canadian. We recognize that his political terrorism and insane antics these past few weeks have in part, held your country hostage.
We would hope that you recognize that his behavior is in no way reflective of Canadian values. If he were in our country, I am sure we would impose harsh sanctions. Restricting his access to Tim Hortons, no watching Hockey night in Canada and absolutely no Canadian bacon.(even though most Canadians don't know what that is)
Not to try to sell you on our country, but we do have other exports that we are far more proud of. For instance we were tickled that your space program let us attach our ground breaking, bionic arm to its wing. (Even though it was clearly no help to Sandra Bullock). We fancy ourselves pioneers of Universal healthcare, and gay marriage. And you are welcome for our little yoga company Lululemon, for making everyone's ass at the gym a little bit better.
Our exports have not been limited to innovation and as we have sent quite a bit of talent your way as well. You are welcome for the "Ryan's", both Gossling and Reynolds. We feel we have supplied suburban soccer moms and gay men with ample amount of eye candy.
Please do not forget we were the nation that brought you poutine, trivial pursuit, insulin, the egg carton, maple syrup and the caulking gun!
We would like to think that if Senator Cruz came back to Canada, that we would admonish him with some terse words. But likely we would just welcome him with a health card, and a 6 pack of Molson Canadian.
As much as we dislike his egomaniacal demagoguery and infantile tantrums, we cannot in good conscience ask that you send him back. He has drank the cool aid or should I say tea, and would be stifled by our compassion for humanity.
So lets position this positively. Even though his numbers are lower than Chris Christie in a swimwear competition. We defer back to that old adage, possession is 9/10ths of the law. So please keep him.
Sincerely Canada
P.S. You can keep Celine Dion too.
