I am the type of guy who spends far too much time inside my head each day. To be honest the thoughts are not that complex, and often have little more depth than a grilled cheese sandwich. In fact, recent topics tumbling in my head have ranged from Betty Rubble's inability to conceive (was she barren?) to the age old question; do the letters in the alphabet have genders? (I think S is totally bi-confused) That’s the hard kind of thinking that this cowboy deals with on a daily basis. I guess I am just a modern day Walter Mitty with far better fashion sense.
In saying all of that I have been thinking a lot lately about the actual downside of being gay. Now, I am not trying to be an caveman here. I know there are many gay people throughout the world who are marginalized, treated inhumanely and outright oppressed, but those are not the individuals this blog is about. This blog is about the lifestyle that my friends and I have, and with which I continue to struggle – what actually is the downside of being gay? Here are my cliff notes:
We dress, well, really good!
We are a group of men who understand that our belt should match our great new pair of Italian loafers. We get that a dark pair of jeans should be a staple in every man’s (and for that matter every woman’s) wardrobe. Holes are for Swiss cheese and golfing greens not for your blue jeans. We get that your 1984 Members-only jacket, not only dates you, but makes you look like Karen Walker’s housekeeper/Sherpa, Rosario. We shudder when we see a straight boy in his "team" jersey. And we will likely chafe if we are required to ever wear anything made from polyester blend. We understand that owning a classic pair of Rayban aviators and a monochromatic hoodie can get you from the gym to the mall seamlessly. We are also acutely aware that fashion and style change quicker than our girl Carly Rae can Call you Maybe!
We smell and look better.
Advantage gay guys on this one…bottom line on this we just care more. We are willing to line up at the baptismal font (aka the Nordstrom’s cologne counter) and experiment if the new Chanel sport with a hint of sandalwood marries with the PH balance of our body. Or does the Dolce and Gabanna with citrus undertones give us that fresh, yet masculine feel. We exfoliate, moisturize, tone, and know that the institutional body lotion they give you at the gym is not really meant for your face, let alone under your eyes (gasp!) We know the value of a razor, clipper and some basic grooming tools. Yes a select few of us have been known to over groom and begin to resemble topiary at a debutante’s garden party. But the fact remains is that we care and we keep things fresh in that department. We know that if it you have to pull out the machete to get at your private parts, then it’s time to grab the weed whacker and clean up around your equator. I can guarantee you that if you trim the bush and tree a little, he will want to spend more time in the "garden" if you get what I am saying. Plus, gentlemen, a trimmed-back tree always looks larger.
We have fabulous lives.
You’ve seen our Facebook pages, the pictures of the Atlantis cruises, the amazing dinner parties, the winter pilgrimage to Puerto Vallarta, summers in Provincetown. Our fiscal responsibility and ingenuity rivals only our ability to spot out those who have had "work done". Sure most of us don’t have kids and the only real financial burden that we have, is deciding if we should go with the Sub Zero appliances and vessel sink or in fact take another vacation. The truth is, we can be sipping on frozen Bellini’s and munching on dynamite rolls and 10 minutes later a winter sojourn in Palm Springs is planned, booked and we know the 3 best restaurants in the area. We make the Real Housewives of Anywhere look like like punk ass, junior party planners on this one. If you want the best party, you know the gays are going to deliver. Plus we are not going to scratch your eyes out like the Real Housewives Bitches, we are far better than that. We will just talk behind your back!
Your kids like us better.
We wear the same brands they do and we know their music, because 3 months ago we heard it in our clubs. We think their new tattoo is fierce and could care less that they put a ring in their nose. As it is much better than the nasty fat guy at the gym who is sporting a Prince Albert! We buy them cool gifts, we know their favourite colour and food. We sometimes just buy them something for no reason because we know they will go home and compare us to their parents. Like them we are devoted to the tank tops at Forever 21 and God forbid we cannot force ourselves to walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch location, regardless how inappropriate it looks on us! Just like us, their best friend is gay and fabulous, tells them what to wear, how to groom and also how to get laid...is there a straight Grindr app? hmmm Who cares!
We go to cool things!
The Eames mid-century installation at the Getty in Los Angeles, checking out Mario Battalli’s new restaurant in Chicago or that great new furniture shop you have never heard of. We know these things because that’s what we do. It is deeply engrained in our DNA to know what is cool, to seek it out and tell everyone about it. It would be sacrilege to have a gallery opening, opening night at a new musical or dinner party without a gay on the invite list. We bring manners, interesting conversation and by far the best hostess gifts. Imagine how boring a Madonna concert or Kathy Griffin show would be if the gays didn't show up. Half of the fun is to watch the fags sitting next to you cry as Madge comes on stage and belts out a remixed version of Holiday!
We Can Multi-Task
Set up a new recycling area; check. Organize dinner party for 12; check. Choose new blinds and flooring for the renovation; check. Bake 4 dozen of The Barefoot Contessa's short bread cookies for the Gay men's Chorus bake sale; check. We are Cyborgs when it comes to being organized. We can organize, clean, and remodel, faster than the Kardashian girls can go down on another pro athlete. Maybe its our love of architecture and style, but we love to look in our closet and see a neat, tidy and colour coordinated mirage, with a hint of Febreze lingering in the air. Nothing sends our nerve endings into a tizzy more than a clean, detailed car going into an well organized garage. As I think about this for a minute; it could be our 4 daily pilgrimages to Starbucks providing a caffeine fueled mania that allows us to accomplish all these heady goals each day. Here is my theory of why we gays crush when it comes to being the ultimate multi tasker. We are observers/sponges. You see we loved nothing more than watching our mother's cook meals for 6, clean the house, tend to the garden and create an art project to keep us kids busy. We also watched as our father's cleaned the garage, paid the bills, put up the Christmas lights and took us to figure skating practice (just kidding it was hockey, but I did sport Dorothy Hamil's trademark do). I hesitate to say we took the best from each gender but lets just say the proof is in the hazelnut, frangelico pudding!
We are all amateur architects.
Go to your gay buddy’s house and look around. It likely resembles the show room at The Pottery Barn. There is a reason that all the shows on HGTV have us homo's mincing around the set. Although not universal, most of us have the gay gene that allows us to create a space that make straight women swoon and want us as best friends. We know that mushroom is a different colour than taupe. We know that proper lighting and a Michael Buble CD will get you laid. We know that there are officially over 110 shades of white and yes it matters. We get that heated travertine on your feet feels better than cold linoleum as you step out of the shower. We understand that walking into a space that reminds you of that Spa in Bali is likely going to put your mind and body at ease. Our fascination with boutique hotels, only further fuels our love of all things shiny and new. Give the gays a few hours and they can whip a house into shape quicker than those homo-erotic boys on True Blood suck the life out of another unsuspecting victim.
All of this leads me back to the original question of what the actual downside of being gay is? You see I am acutely aware that the life we live is a blessing and that there was a huge human toll on the liberties that we are afforded today. There are many gay and straight people out there who have been vocal in the defense of equality and of justice. The amazing life we live today should pay homage to every gay man or woman who was beaten, to every straight person who defended equality, and to every human who had the courage and conviction to speak their truth.
There has never been a time in history when gays have been afforded more rights, have more influence and ultimately can live a full and authentic life. Even President O’Bama is covering our Marc Jacob’s clad ass. A shout out to Malia and Sasha for schooling the Pres and Michelle on this one!
In saying all of that, my answer is, that I have yet to find the downside of being gay; but I will keep travelling the world, designing, cooking, smelling good and generally living a fabulous life until I find the elusive answer.
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